So everyone else is doing it, and I didn't want to, because my rendition wouldn't be very bright.

I don't know if anyone else has noticed this about me, because I damn well know your world isn't centered around me, but my posts as of late are pretty fucking emo tastic.

Sorry to swear that's also pretty unlike me.

What i'm trying to get at is 2008 had drama in the beginning, the middle and the end. I seem to somehow continuously sourround myself with individuals who are unhappy with themselves in the hopes of changing them into someone who is. In the hopes and dreams that they will see that I believe in them and love them and in that case that they would then cherish my belief in them and change for the better.

And I got abandoned, betrayed, shoved out the proverbial door of no return, broken, treated in sub-human standards and lost a seriously important and integral part of me.

My ability to reach out to others.

I began to really examine my behavior when a certain incident happened a few days ago at a con.

I'm not going to go into detail but I am pretty upset about 2008 frankly because it has changed me for the worst.

My trust is easily lost with people, I have created a virtual obstacle course to gain my friendship and a screening process beyond that. I have become super anti-social, shy, and afraid of the future.

I am so paranoid of people treating me like something to abuse to gain popularity, or something to attempt so hard to break that you yourself lie cheat steal and even try to kill members of the family that is close to the individual you want to make unhappy. I have had friends betray and NEARLY abandon me until they finally saw the light of the fact that I had no reason to be abandoned. I have had people abandon me for reasons that still have yet to add up.

And I still tried to be a person that I could sit here and type at you that I wanted you to be.

I want everyone to be able to be vulnurable to others and not feel the hurt and pain i've endured. I want for everyone to be able to reach out to new strangers and not be afraid of being used. I want everyone to be able to construct a family that shares your same hobbies, interests, abilities, talents, and loves you enough to die for you without being parted with that for ANY OTHER REASON THAN DEATH.

I want everything to be bold, outgoing, loud, courageous, and loving and caring and a true friend. I ...basically want everyone to be the reason why I cosplayed Naruto. I fucking started cosplaying Naruto because I wanted to BE BETTER. He was my ROLE MODEL. I wanted to improve myself, and the best way to start was to make myself more and more like this thing I wanted to BE.

He was the first REAL rolemodel i've honestly had in my ENTIRE existance. I clung to him like .... well like flies on shit. I did my best to become him to the point where people think i'm the real human deal. Mostly though, I wanted to be him because I wanted to be what I didn't have for so many other people... a role model. I wanted to be the living breathing essence of a role model. Something to work for. Not envy, or be jealous of, or even treat badly because you hate it, but someone who can sit here and tell you something, and you'll take that advice and listen to it.

And now I sit here wondering if I'll ever be able to really say I can tell people to do anything without falling into a pit of hypocrisy.

Internet fame does not make me special, I repeat, the fact that you know of me, does not make me fucking special. I don't get anything for this, I don't even get to pass go and collecting 200 dollars. Knowing of me or being friends with me, does not fucking make YOU any more special than you ALREADY ARE. The fact that people think that being my friend makes them more of a individual is a saddening aspect. It's the same kind of logic that runs along the line of "I have a friend in school who is popular and thus I am more popular"

The same goes for the assholes who think i'm a arrogant jerk, that may or may not be the whole

"You have a cookie and I want it so i'm going to hate you because you fucking have it." Syndrome.

And if you want to make friends with me, to make yourself more special, then my user, you are already running along the line of the kind of "special" I don't want to make "friends" with.

This is the kind of mentality that has hurt, abused, and left me dry. This "I wanna be better by making cooler friends" kinda bullshit has left me wondering if the future holds nothing more than a bunch of fake assholes who keep name dropping me at their convenience.

The reason why i'm popular? I don't fucking know you want me to make you popular? You want to know how to become a "successful" cosplay group? (I get notes on this allthetime) I have people sitting here asking me how to be amazing, when they already fucking are.

Getting "fans" or "700 watchers" or a shit ton of pageviews or being known through a certain fandom does NOT make you fucking successful.

BEING A GOOD PERSON MAKES YOU SUCCESSFUL.

Starting a cosplay group to have fun makes you successful, making friends to have friends makes you successful, not hurting others when you have the ability to, makes you successful.

WANTING TO BE MORE THAN YOU ARE, MAKES YOU SUCCESSFUL.

There you have it, I just taught you about life, and there so goes the fact that I have only one thing in this life I am grateful for...

The chance to be all these things, and the fact that in 2008, I did my best, never faltering, to do these things and DID NOT FAIL.

So even as I write, that I am broken and in pain from being a good person, I will never fucking write to you that I am DISAPPOINTED IN WHO I AM.

I will never sit here, and write to you, and tell you, -I AM NOT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE- I will never fucking TYPE AT YOU, that I am UNHAPPY with MYSELF. Because at the end of the day, I am simply nothing more than a silly, ridiculous romantic human BEING, who REFUSES, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING REFUSES, to give up on PEOPLE. Absolutely, REFUSES, no matter how MUCH it hurts, to STOP being BETTER every single DAY no matter HOW MUCH IT HURTS to be a good person.

And it fucking HURTS.

The reason WHY there are so many BAD people in the world is because it's so MUCH HARDER to be good. You want me to fucking prove it to you?

It's EASIER to NOT get hurt by being a shut-in.

It's EASIER to NOT try to get back in touch with EX members no matter how abandoned you FEEL. No matter how much it HURTS to type every single letter to them.

It's EASIER to NOT extend friendship to people you feel are going to NAME spill you to everyone in the world they think will listen and think they are cooler for it.

IT'S EASIER to only hang with the popular kids because they WON'T use you.

IT'S EASIER to only hang around those I trust.

It's EASIER to not extend consideration to those around me.

It's EASIER to NOT sort shit out with people who think you're arrogant, who slandered you, who wronged you.

It's easier to NOT let yourself be vulnurable in the hopes of MAKING A DIFFERENCE to someone else.

IT'S EASIER TO BE AN ASSHOLE, IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO TAKE A HUGE PAT ON THE BACK AND CALL MYSELF A GOD, THAN TO SIT HERE ON THIS PAGE AND SPILL MY GUTS OUT TO YOU AND TELL YOU I'M NOT.

Sit here and tell you that I'm JUST like you and that you are JUST like me and DESTROY this illusion so many people have that i'm SOMETHING i'm NOT. Because I damn well know i'm no god, if I was really A GOD I would have you know that you all probably would be happy, right the fuck now, you would all have this cheesy ass grin on your face, and think YOU'RE AMAZING, because honestly, almost all thep eople who ask me HOW TO BE AMAZING ARE -ALREADY DOING JUST THAT-

Breath! THERE you're amazing!!! Now ask me how to LIVE life to the fullest, wait, BE HAPPY! YES IT'S A FUCKING CHOICE MAKE IT!! Now that you're happy, SPREAD THAT SHIT BECAUSE IT'S A CHANGE OF PACE FOR GOD SAKES! Now you're happy, now you're happy and that shit makes me happy, now we're both happy and guess what, now you don't NEED to be popular anymore.

You know why? Because people who are unhappy try to substitute that feeling with something else all the time, popularity, is not a substitute.

Alchohol is not a substitute either, neither is a shit ton of fake friends or jumping in and out of relationships to get that feeling. There's a reason why pursuit is allowed, but god dammit people, there's no SUBSTITUTE for that kind of emotion. It's a choice you make by BEING it, not by ATTAINING it through other means. So just... be happy ...

All that shit goes away when you're happy okay? Just relax, try it. God damn. Secret to life Onizuka style.

Because even though life is hard and i'm pissed I damn well know it takes so much more to be this kind of successful. I damn well know I am happy that for not one moment was I popular for being anything more than myself. That i'm popular not for trying, or being a fraud, but for everything I am. I am happy that Koi was started because of a random epiphany from our ex itachi and not out of some twisted need to get attention or to be popular. I'm fucking HAPPY that :iconwiltedahlia: is at least ONE of the people I DAMN WELL KNOW has learned from me in this year. I'm happy that the wedding being popular was an accident, i'm happy that the pictures turned out great even though I wanted NO PHOTOGRAPHY THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

I'm HAPPY for all those people who made my wedding less than private, because it made me WHO I AM TODAY. Even though I was struggling so hard NOT TO BE OUT THERE, I am now and now that I am...

You're fucking stuck with this thing you created, and I damn well intend to please you all. You want me to be better, you fucking got it, you want me to try harder, you want me to be happy, YOU WANT ME TO BE HOKAGE!??!?! HELL YES and that's why i'm here, RIGHT NOW... telling you you can do that too, telling you that it's not just all about popularity, it's about GOD DAMN SUPPORT. THIS

RIGHT HERE

is my GOD DAMN

MESSAGE TO YOU ALL OF YOU, to BE---- wtf EVER it is you want to be. Rape the shit out of life and do what you want, but remember, at the same time...

Pass that belief along to someone else.

A little while back I got up on 4Chan and they raped and slandered the shit outta me. It wasn't a good thing at all. It was basically "That Naruto makes me wanna puke, and i'm so glad they can't get married blah blah i'm an asshole annonomous whooo blah."

Shit hit me pretty hard, but I learned something important from it from a good friend of mine, and i'm going to pass along what she said to you, because it brought me outta crying over the shit bags REAL fast...

N/A(8:21:20 PM): people who do things in life
N/A(8:21:36 PM): do not act rude
Supernova Dobe (8:21:46 PM): -nods-
N/A(8:21:46 PM): you can tell who puts effort in to life  
N/A(8:22:00 PM): like if you are doing something and trying hard ... you cannot hate on others
N/A(8:22:05 PM): you have an understanding
N/A(8:22:17 PM): of like life and how it is important to support others
N/A(8:22:27 PM): like but if you make no effort and sit around and do nothing
N/A(8:22:31 PM): you have time to hate
N/A(8:22:45 PM): so their opinion is not valid
N/A(8:22:57 PM): as they have time to hate on someone they have never met
N/A(8:23:11 PM): and thus need to like get the fuck out of their house and do something productive ~

This person, is successful... and so you can be too if you understand this... And I can only thank you again, for you all to give me what you have, because this journal is also a way to reach out... a way to ask for help for you all to remind me, who I am.

Because... I'm really fucking lost right now.

And I only hope that through this kind of popularity, I can be a teacher, not some sort of god, but a friend, not some sort of celebrity, but a influence, someone who only wants you to be all that you can. A role model, which is what i've always dreamed of doing.

To reach out for your ambitions and take them by the horns and BE what it is to be successful. Because being successful, is not easy, being good, is not easy, being DECENT is NOT fucking easy.

Because it doesn't fucking matter how popular you are in this life and it never will....

That's something i've learned, and that's one of the only things in life I will be proud to teach.

And for all of you who know me, REALLY know me, and have stayed by my side through all the stupidity of this year....

You know who you are, and you are who I now have to get back on my feet, and I fucking love you for it....

For everyone else, I damn well want you to know, that even if you get four god damn messages in your inbox and not one person knows who you are outside your little circle, if you're a good person, I would be proud to call you my friend, and that's all that has EVER mattered to me in ANY individual. This is the highest opinion I will EVER have of myself, and even as I hate other things about me, I will NEVER doubt that I am a GOOD PERSON for having this kind of strong mentality.

And as for 2009, well it's already off to a dramatic start, but I damn well intend to rape the shit out of it.

And I hope, so do all of you.

And at the end of this journal, I want for you all to know that I have learned that when you say "BONANA" to yourself, and emphasize the O in that, that you will smile, just say it all of you nice and loud, it's almost impossible to avoid unless you're hard core.

It's a fucking cure, take it, use it, abuse it when you're upset.... When you're sad, just tell yourself "bOnana."

There, now you have my secret, and every key to life I know, and every thing I know about myself as to date...........

-Naruto Uzumaki, Sabrina Winter, saying peace out 08-