For anyone following me, I wanted to share my sentiments on the matter, I know that life is fast paced, and there is not much time to sit down and read, but I ask of you to for just one moment--
When I first made this account, I was hesitant, I didn't want anyone to think lesser of me for doing so, I was so afraid that by doing such a thing, I would be asking too much of people... I never thought that I would walk with people in my life who would stay by my side for lesser than a few scarce months...as what seemed to be the case. I was so excited always to meet new people, talk to co-workers, get involved in activities...but I was undesired and struggled to make any friendships. I was urged by a few people in our new group to start a page, I was still hesitant...afraid really. I had no concept of people, as I had had little contact, had no refined grace, and just didn't get it.
I still am afraid. This whole time.
I felt everyone would simply leave if I chose to show them any part of myself, as what was always the case when I tried with anyone else, finding no real way to connect. There were other reasons, there always are, but they were not the true motivator... the true motivator was that I had very little intellect, and perhaps had only one talent available to me that I was knowledgeable in and therefore could not hold a conversation. I had never been guided by a role model, I had never had any heroes, I had no inspiration in life, all I knew, was that I wanted to achieve more than what I had seen before me my entire life, I wanted to be better than the insane upbringing I had, I wanted to be like my peers, I had so little, no one to praise me, no one who cared for me truly...not really.
But I achieved that goal so quickly, and easily became lost, I couldn't afford any artschool, and even though everyone was impressed with my art, and gave me small scholarships, I couldn't shoulder the weight of tuition, housing, rent, traveling...with no help, on the paltry wage I had. No one was there to guide me, and there was so many people available who wanted to mislead me. I had no one to explain or help, I became so lost, and so many people took advantage of that. I reflect back on how many companies told me I needed full insurance for a car worth scant more than 600.00...or how necessary so many things in life where. I believed and had full trust and sincerity in everything, and everyone around me. I was a good person, so why would they be? I believed in who I was, I believed there was others like me out there....but---there wasn't.... I started to realize that just like everything else I had experienced, no one quite understood the life I've led, I felt ashamed of who I was consistently, being surpassed so easily by others, who had family, and people sourrounding them, something I didn't know how to relate to- most parents frightened me, as during my upbringing it was often times adults would sneer at me and turn me away from playing with most anyone--I simply wasn't good enough for their children to associate with.
I found that the most shameful moments of my life where when people would speak openly not but one room away about how pathetic my life was. They would laugh about it, and I could overhear them. It was apparently funny that my mother could not hold down a job beyond throwing newspapers every morning, and when they discovered these things about who I was, and where I came from, they would ridicule me when they thought I was out of earshot, but it seemed as if I always was...by some odd fate.
But in the end, everyone /always/ left... I just couldn't seem to interest much of anyone... I always felt this was my fault, that perhaps I was too eager to please, or make friends, I troubleshot everything, wondering what about me that was driving people away. I once lent out 180.00 dollars to someone (quite a chunk of change at that point in time) just to prove that there were people in the world who cared, who were willing to sacrifice. When I realized I had been taken advantage of, and that person was not willing to communicate with me any longer, I began to think that perhaps I just simply didn't have what it took to be worth it as an individual- I settled for less in just about everything, my job, my life, my passions, what little remained.
I had no foundation, no family, no praise...and it seemed everyone who did desire to be around me merely wanted me for some other means...whether it be financial, as I had a high wage job, or to manipulate me for a place to stay, no one realized or knew just how much adversity I had faced or how desperate I was to receive the kindness I gave. Even now it drives me to tears thinking about the hardest times of my life were those that I cared most for others, openly, with my heart on a sleeve.. No one was as interested or invested as I was in the relationships I thought I had, I was always the "option" not the priority, and people would always choose otherwise... If I opened up to them in the slightest, they would confront me with disbelief, or otherwise take advantage of the information I've given to get at things that I had gained in life, accomplishments I had achieved but didn't believe in. Each of these individual experiences were shocking, hurtful, and appalling every single time, and I was left to wonder why. I didn't believe that they were bad people, I believed that I simply was not enough for them to not hurt. That if perhaps I was a respected, or had enough of whatever it is that was desired, that for once, someone would just stay with me, a constant in my life. My relationships changed so quickly, but I kept trying, each time putting forth every effort to maintain and love, and I realize now just how much of myself I had wasted, and how much I wish I had never given.
When I was older, I reflected back on my upbringing, trying to think of a time that I felt cared for, that I felt that feeling that other people must associate with 'family'- I can think of many times, moments where I believed that someone cared for me, but just as many times that I was mistaken, hurt, and left behind.
Which is why leaving this account hurts so badly.
When I had the wedding, I was terrified, it had been a mistake, and I hadn't expected anyone to show, much less any of my friends, I had begun to realize that no matter what I did, I barely represented much to anyone else... I didn't have the impact I wanted to on others, I couldn't save the world, or change it... I could barely exist, and when I met my wife, it was the first time in my life I truly connected with another person on that level. I understand now that it was difficult to relate to me, that I truly had not been given much and life and therefore didn't offer much, but to this one person, I was their everything. They refused to let me go, even though I tried to leave, fearing a repeat performance like everything else.
For some reason, our meeting, who we were, and our interactions were of interest to the anime community- something i had barely been in contact with. I fully blame Masashi Kishimoto and his creation of Naruto, I fully believe that if it wasn't for Naruto, and if it wasn't for Sasuke, no one would have noticed us truly. Regardless of the reason, it did happen, and that day, at that wedding, I wondered, with that huge crowd that was amassed, if possibly this is what a real wedding would feel like, I swore on everything I knew of myself, that my heart could call each and every person in that crowd family...
When I made this account, a good deal of time later, I realized that this was the first time in my life that I felt valued as a person, but that I had so little to give I would be left behind no matter what...that it was only a matter of time before people would misunderstand me, or I would give too much of myself away, that people would find that discouraging, feel as though I perhaps make things up to receive attention, or worse, would call me a liar. As I began to continually post, I came into contact with many nay-sayers who had a great deal of things to say, and many situations that I was vulnerable to. I was weak to anyone I called family, which was a great many, I had given all of myself to so many people, thinking perhaps I was obligated to, since they had given me so much... even just giving a favorite, viewing the page, saying something nice, I felt... so devastated with the concept of how much I owed everyone simply for existing....and I was consistantly flustered and left in a cloud of emotions when people who I barely knew would say they cared for me, or were happy I existed...I wondered what was different from what I had done before...all my life...why was I so valuable now? I had done so little for all these people...yet they wanted to give so much to me.
Feeling in debt, and afraid to take advantage of anyone, I tried my best to live up to high ideals, to answer every message and commit to every person, because they had no idea how much they had given me, a family, a place to be, a moment in my life where I wasn't just someone who could be left behind.
But I was also so impacted by the people who had something bad to say...that I began to fear coming online. I was so heavily impacted, that I found the concept of how much people hated me, granted a great far cry less than those who expressed love, so meaningful, that I gave up, I gave up for months at a time, going back to the place that I had been before, where I wasn't worth notice, where nothing I did mattered.
My drive and ambition would die, I faced so much adversity, and there was still more to come, I still am so afraid of my future, worried I am so broken that I won't be able to be independant in time...and then I really will be worthless. Even though people thought I was good with words, I was never; they fed the belief for a short time, but I was never able to articulate it like this, how I truly felt, who I truly was, my fears...
Then came the day that I hit physical impairment...and I lost my livelihood, my job, and fell into a deep depression. The people who disliked me seemed to be endless, and I wondered what I must have done to hear the things they said---almost as if I was in another room, and a child all over again, as people laughed at my achievements, laughed away and got perverse satisfaction as I lost everything. Lost my hands, which as an artist is a huge obstacle, my job, and what felt like so much more mentally. I was losing my mind. I had never asked anything of anyone, once a fundraiser for a cat that was sick that wasn't even mine, but I tried my best to never take advantage of people who loved me, because it was such a rare quality. I never took it for granted.
Someone who I had once been friends with somehow leaked information on what I felt at the time to the wolves online, and shit really hit the fan. I was ridiculed for feeling suicidal, something that clearly is no laughing matter, as I felt very serious about the ordeal my heart was facing. People were asking for me to do it. They would feel so much better if I did. My injuries were questioned, not just online, but by my superiors, even though I faced such incredible pain and crippling inflammation, they insisted that it was an injury they were not liable for, and I was treated as sub human. However the information being leaked awashmed me with shame, and my pride whatever was left intact took such a huge blow. I once again felt I was no longer good enough as a person to be worthy anyone's time, anyone's love or effort. I truly felt Raven would leave me, that it was only a matter of time before she found out too.
I turned down various offers to be a guest, offers to attend events for free, get passes, all manner of financial gain, I just couldn't live with myself if I took from those who cared for me. I felt my independance would be put on trial, that I would be nothing more than a joke. A laughingstock if I took these routes. Then one day, out of no where, it dawned on me that I could take wig commissions.
The concept was frightening, but I felt as though I was a fool to reject the only financial draw that remained, that if I became good enough at it- perhaps I could survive long enough to live through the struggle I was in. Even my closest friends who were in the loop questioned the sincerity of my injury, and were simply not there for me when Raven was in the emergency room and my entire savings was purged in the interest of finding out what was wrong.
I never said anything online about this, something about just after the incident silenced me. I didn't reach out, because so many offers were pouring in already, I felt that if I cleanly expressed just how bad things were getting, that it would be difficult to explain and even harder to face disbelief. I only recently learned, that through all this, I had been working and living with a fractured elbow. Something from childhood, from neglect and abuse from my mother. It was misdiagnosed, and had a grave impact on how I functioned....but I never stopped or faltered, I simply pushed myself harder to keep up with those I felt admiration for. I had no idea just how bad off I was, and on some days, despite the pain, I almost seemingly felt euphoric in a good days work, it made me feel like perhaps I was worth it.
I just wanted to say here, I am so sorry that I did not allow all those who cared for me to truly care for me. I am so sorry that the derogatory insults a small group of people had, impacted me so heavily, that for months at a time I simply gave up. I'm sorry I didn't open up about it, and I am sorry that, until now, I couldn't be who I really was. I wanted to be someone worthwhile, and the person I truly am changed, working so diligently to be worth it to every person, and any person lost in the mix was so important, because at the time, everyone had equal value, no matter how little time they shared with me. Everyone's words, how they felt, what they said, it was simply too important to bear and I consistently hid... I truly had so little self worth...
I am very excited for how I have grown, who I have met, and now that I do not have anyone around me saying inappropriate things, who are comfortable with the core of who I am as a person, I've come to value myself. Tho it seems I am a bit late to the confidence party.
You being in my life, you as a person, if you commented, favorited, liked, or were involved with me, who I was, I thank you. Not just a small favorable word that is meant to express gratitude, but I truly thank you. I thank you for giving me faith that there are people in the world who can truly care for those they have barely known like me. That I wasn't alone in how I felt as well, that people out there are alone, and that I can still be there for them as well...how to open my heart again, and again, and again. I thank you for exposing me to so many wonderful things, and sharing with me so many stories. I thank you for asking me for advice, even if my experiences were too unique to possibly relate, even if I didn't know how to truly deal with your parents, or your extended family, or the death of a loved one, even if I couldn't hold you, or hug you, or tell you in person everything was going to be okay, even if I couldn't throw money at you, or fix you....I thank you. I thank you for talking to me about something you loved, so I could love it with you, or exposing me to experiences you didn't with anyone else...that you asked for me to keep confidential, I thank you for the honor, and the trust, I experienced with you, the love and devotion I experienced fullheartedly with you, I thank you for every time I cried with you (or in general because of you), and every time I was happy for you, overtime I celebrated your victories, and every time I mourned your loss.
I even find value in knowing that there are people out there who disliked me, because knowing how to defend myself, how to not make that a part of who I am...is such an important aspect of who I have learned to become. Even if your words were hurtful, even if you thought I was an undesirable person, I have learned from your hatred no longer to allow that sort of negativity to influence my happiness, to influence sharing with others what I do have control of, and that, despite being a most difficult and taxxing lesson, I find meaning in, because if I didn't.... then that part of my life would be so unproductive and that sacrifice I made, and that silence I lived, would mean nothing, and there is not anything worse in life than knowing that you truly, have wasted your time.
I thank every person who has ever commissioned me, you.....fed me....clothed me... -breaking down into tears....- you gave me so much, and even if you felt that it was merely a simple transaction... even if to you, it was just exchanging financial wealth for some minute talent....you taught me how to love that part of who I am. How to value it, how to believe it's desirable... you taught me not to destroy my Sora wig on the dance floor because it was not worth anything to me...you taught to carefully walk in my costumes and to store them away as if they were more important than just for fun. As if they had value to more than just a hobby, more than just something just about anyone could do...but something rare and worth your time. Worth the hours you work, the food you cannot buy, the recreation you cannot enjoy. To me, I stood a little straighter every day, lived a little more full every moment, to me that meant I was becoming someone that was worthwhile to others, I had finally, FINALLY started to believe that I truly wasn't just taking advantage of people. That I wasn't a terrible person who was not worthy of having someone leave, who wasn't worthy of respect, who was actually worthy of your life, your time, your existence- that people were actually happy with what they received in the mail, and they were actually grateful- that I wasn't just stealing.
Aughahhth the FellliNNNNGS are SOOO strong with this one.... -sighs- ... mgrmgr...hhh...
And I thank you, that even though this site is no longer something that I can find my own time for, even though this is no longer a tool I find of the same use, that I still remember it not with distaste, but with fondness for all the things I have gained, figuratively and mentally. I don't leave this feeling empty, I don't leave this feeling as though I've lost...I don't leave this thinking my following no longer cares for me, that I have once again been abandoned, that I am not capable of obtaining your presence in my life for longer than but a few scant years... more than anything I've ever dared to believe I was worth when I was young...
every single one of these favorites, and likes, and follows...and that's not just something that I say lightly. It may have taken years for me to believe you loved me, or to believe people were really there for me, but you all always were, and you all still live, never left, still remember me, always will.
No matter how many views or followers or popularity, it means nothing unless you own it, feel you are worth it...and work it meant nothing to me until I really believed that I wasn't going to abuse you somehow, that I wasn't just another person that was going to be left behind, I leave with the firm belief that I am UNFORGETTABLE. That if people leave my life, that is their loss and they best be gone for good unless they appreciate the value I place upon my time, and my effort and my real genuine love. I leave here as a completely different person than who I was when I joined....
I leave here whole.
Healed and loved.
This is a story of victory, one that I want to share with you all, one that I was so hesitant to speak out about, one that I only just recently learned how to articulate...
Because of you.
-Cyril U. Winter
If you still desire to follow me, thank you for the journey, and if you still want to travel the road with me, you are /always/ welcome to numbers mean very little to me, but the idea of someone staying with me, who has followed me for so long...that...that is irreplaceable. I will //not// remove or delete this site, it simply represents far too much to me...so you may come back and browse the works I have made in the past, and live those days with me, for everyone who wants to spend our future together, I value that, of course it's your choice, and your decision who you want to devote yout time to, but I thank you either way for reading this, for being here with this last part, where I wrap everything up with feelings I've never known how to express. If you don't wish to walk with me, know that I appreciate the time you chose to do so, no matter how short or long that was, for those of you who do, let's do this life together, I have very little time to express anything else right now, so I am sorry for the mess of links, I will likely come back, re-write this mess of feels, (I have so many tissues now....gross sobbing mess literally...gross ew..........I'm so so so sorry....I cannot even tell you how long this has all bee repressed...I really forced myself to write this....) perhaps, shorten it, so it's not so overwhelming to everyone, including myself, and get ready to go to the hospital to get a cat scan for this break, but in the meantime, for those of you who want to come with me: